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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

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This morning one of my sons got dumped. I opened the front door to put mail out, and there was a bag full of his sweatshirt and dating momentos. Whoa! Where did this come from? I had to go hand it to him and witness first a look of confusion, then dawning realization, then pain, then anger as he grabbed his phone to demand an explanation. The night before she was excitedly choosing colors for a summer wedding, giggling and cuddling, and generally making the rest of us roll our eyes while we tolerated their giddiness. Her explanation: I just realized that you're not what I want. I didn't see this coming, but I realized pretty quickly that he has dodged a bullet. He's not close to perfect, and he knows it. When he doesn't know it, I'm quick to remind him. But he has all the important things firmly in place. I am angry that this wasn't done in a kinder way, but I'm also grateful, because I think it will be easier to get over his broken heart if he can...
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In-Laws, Ya Gotta Love ‘Em

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When I got married 49 years ago, I was given very little advice about how to deal with in-laws.   What I do remember, though, is that we just kind of naturally knew how it worked.   As I read this week’s lesson material, not much has changed.   What we knew then by example or common sense, is now spelled out.   I’m glad to see this.   I think less is assumed today, and having a written manual would be very helpful for newly engaged or married couples. When my husband and I became engaged, we knew we would need to come up with a plan to share holidays between both parents. The first year was easy because Christmas Eve was more important to my parents than Christmas Day, and Christmas Day was more important to his parents.   Both families equally valued Thanksgiving, but his family also had a tradition of a relaxing buffet of leftovers and extra goodies the day after Thanksgiving. We got the best of both worlds. He loved and respected my parents a...
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Keeping Marriage Secret and Sacred

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The subject this week was on unity in marriage and becoming one.  Much good advice was given about counseling together as husband and wife and presenting a united front to children.  Other advice was about how to counsel together and the equality of husband wife.  One principle in particular stood out to me, and that is best described in this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball: “. . .all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others. . . Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decision, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”   And also from President Kimball: “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents...
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Emotional Infidelity

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The subject this week was about sexual intimacy in marriage.   I found the subject very interesting even though I’ve been single for over 25 years.   But what impressed me the most was a related topic that was covered about unfaithfulness.   Having been a victim of this, I was immediately drawn in.   What interested me most, was the idea of emotional infidelity .   Emotional infidelity often leads to sexual infidelity, but can be more damaging to a marriage than a sexual affair even when it doesn’t get physical.    In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , he lists a Progression of Unfaithfulness: ·          Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity) ·          An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart ·          Extramarital flirting. ...
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What Difference Does Charity Make?

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One of our reading assignments this week was the final chapter in Goddard’s Book, Drawing Heaven Into Your marriage.   It is titled simply, Charity .   I have to admit, my eyes began to roll back into my head. I have read and studied so much on this topic from all different angles. Before I started to feel guilty for my attitude, I dove in and began to read.   I can honestly say I have gained a new and enlightened perspective on the subject of charity.   Goddard gives a great description of what charity is, and is not.   He uses an example straight from the scriptures of how to see others as Christ sees them.   He explains what charity looks like in real life. And finally he tells us how we get it.   I wish every human being could read this short chapter on charity.   It would change lives.   In my head I began to think of ways to present this material to my family in a way that they could absorb it without thinking they were getting...
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We Choose Anger - A Liberating Concept

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I’ve heard it before, but it’s easy to forget.   Anger is a choice.   While it seems that sometimes anger chooses us, it’s our choice of how we react to it. If you’re like me, you almost feel obligated to react in anger over some things.   In other words, you feel justified.   Some things are so inappropriate that it wouldn’t seem right not to react in anger.   Sometimes we call it righteous indignation.   I guess there can be a fine difference.   But even calling it by a different name, if we react to ones we love in a way that attacks them or even their behavior, it’s not a loving approach and does not built up, but instead tears down our relationship and the person. At the worst, we have damaged a relationship, possibly permanently.   At best, we’ve chosen to bypass an opportunity to show love, even while correcting or challenging someone’s behavior. As I started to read an article by Elder Lynn G. Robbins about having the power to c...
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Pride in Relationships

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I had an interesting experience last night.   My son had taken on a new project that was a complete fail.   In trying to help him feel better, I told him that he shouldn’t expect his first project to be perfect and to expect some mistakes until he became experienced.   I thought this would take the pressure off him and make him feel better.   This angered him and I felt completely misunderstood in my intentions.   It was late and he stormed off to bed.   First I was stunned, then I was hurt, and then I was angry.   I knew it would be awhile before I could sleep.   I thought of trying to clear the air so I could sleep, but I had made about three attempts already to explain my comments, with the result of making him even more angry.   Finally I decided I would try one more time to explain so I could sleep in peace.   But I realized I would be doing it for my own comfort, not his.   I was still upset that he didn’t see the good ...
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Put God First

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A quote from our class readings impressed me so strongly this week that I’d like to focus my post on it.  “ When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place  or drop out of our lives. ”    ~Ezra Taft Benson When I Googled “Put God First,” another famous person is currently noted for spreading that exact message.      In his speeches to graduating students, Denzel Washington makes the point that first and foremost you should put God first in your life and everything that you do.   Then he goes on to list other worthy points for meaningful and successful living.   I bring that up because this isn’t just an LDS or even Christian principle.   I completely believe in this principle.   Sometimes our lives and our problems can get very complicated.   When that happens, it’s great to have experts to turn to who have spent lives and careers on finding proven answers and ideas to help us un...
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Fondness and Admiration

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In this week’s readings, the principle of "Fondness and Admiration" was stressed as being important, and even key to a marriage.   This really resonated with me.   In Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” this is his Principle #2.   “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. . . .If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.” As I revealed in my first post, I was married for over 16 years in an LDS temple marriage, which later ended in divorce.   You may now be predicting that fondness and admiration were missing from my marriage, or at least died in some way, never to be revived. You would be wrong.   Our marriage was built on fondness and admiration, and we were eternal friends and companions throughout our marriage.   The reason I know this is a sound principle is because that eternal friendship not only survive...
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Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage

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We are beginning to study two books as texts for successful marriage.  Both books complement each other, and both books offer steps to improve marriages, whether they are in trouble or not.  “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by Gottman is a practical guide for any marriage.  “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” by Goddard is just what the title implies, making marriage a partnership with God. After reading only a few chapters, I’m excited to learn the concepts of these two books.  I think they work well hand in hand.  But one thing I noticed and believe, is that if you become really good at making your marriage a partnership with God, you probably have the principles in the other book covered, or at least they will be mastered with less effort.  It’s the idea, like I explored in my last post, that if you build on a good foundation, all other things can be added. Without that foundation, it would be harder, if not impossible, to maintain...
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Families are Forever

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This week in our class we explored some demographics in our own extended families by working with what is called a genogram.   It’s like a genealogy pedigree chart, but gives you the opportunity to track different aspects of each couple and their family members.   I decided to track temple (eternal) marriages, civil marriages (until death do us part), and other cohabiting partnerships.   I also noted things like alcoholism and abuse.   But for this post I want to just look at the marriage demographic. First of all, the results were a little surprising to me.   Divorces (or breakups) were almost equally spread among all the types of marriages and domestic arrangements. There were fewer divorces in the larger families, who also happened to be farmers and country dwellers.   There were more divorces in the smaller families, who also happened to be city dwellers. There were fewer divorces in the temple covenant marriages.  Successful cohab...
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The Definition of Marriage

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   vs.     This week we are examining the Supreme Court ruling on marriage, which is officially called Obergefell v. Hodges.  Notice I called it the Supreme Court ruling on marriage and not the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.  The ruling affected all marriage, not just legalizing new forms of marriage.  But before I go there, I want to back up and try to explore my own feelings on the subject. My first awareness of gay relationships was in middle school.  There were rumors that my very favorite teacher was gay.  He wasn’t openly gay, and nobody really knew for sure.  A couple of years later in high school, it seemed to be a well-known, but only whispered, fact, that my school counselor and my P.E. teacher were lifelong companions.  I had no conflicts or confusion over these discoveries.  Life was full of experiences outside of what I was taught to be right.  And although I knew that these relationships weren’t ...
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Divorce

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I just started a new class this semester on Marriage.  Our first topic is Divorce.  Starting out studying divorce is like jumping into the deep end of this class.  I have been divorced twice, once after 16 years of an LDS temple marriage, and then after a second marriage that lasted a very short time.   It was interesting to compare the findings of the State of the Union Report on Marriage, as well as other secular experts, to the advice of our LDS Church leaders.  For the most part, they bear each other out.  What is missing from the secular reports is the spiritual perspective. I couldn't have survived divorce without the spiritual perspective and support from my church and ecclesiastical leaders.  Even with basically having no choice in the decision (you can't force someone to stay in a marriage they are determined to leave), it was the most painful period of my life, and continues to bring emotional distress at times as new consequences ...
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