Pride in Relationships



I had an interesting experience last night.  My son had taken on a new project that was a complete fail.  In trying to help him feel better, I told him that he shouldn’t expect his first project to be perfect and to expect some mistakes until he became experienced.  I thought this would take the pressure off him and make him feel better.  This angered him and I felt completely misunderstood in my intentions.  It was late and he stormed off to bed.  First I was stunned, then I was hurt, and then I was angry.  I knew it would be awhile before I could sleep.  I thought of trying to clear the air so I could sleep, but I had made about three attempts already to explain my comments, with the result of making him even more angry.  Finally I decided I would try one more time to explain so I could sleep in peace.  But I realized I would be doing it for my own comfort, not his.  I was still upset that he didn’t see the good intentions in my comments.  I started to turn out the light, but heard a little voice inside my head:  What could you say so that HE, not you, could sleep in peace?  I picked up my phone and texted him:  “I am really sorry.”  He texted back, “It’s okay.” And we both slept.  

 It really didn’t matter that I was misunderstood, or that I didn’t understand his response to my “kind words.”  What mattered was to let him know I was sorry and to validate his feelings. 

The reason this experience was so interesting is that I became my own textbook example of how to suppress pride in a relationship, our topic of study for our marriage class this week.  I’ve been divorced for far more years than I was married, so I have to practice my newly learned skills on my kids instead of a husband.  The point is, whether I was right or wrong about the specific issue with my son, I was being prideful and needed to humble myself in order for us to move forward.  It's about the relationship itself, not who is right at the moment.  

 In both our marriage texts, the point is made that in order to practice humility and move through a bad moment, you have to see the big picture, the value of the relationship and the love that you share no matter what.  Don't let moments of pride destroy the good relationship you have built up for years.

 President Ezra T. Benson makes many strong points about the nature of pride:
Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.

Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

He then implores us to "choose to be humble."  I'm glad I was inspired by that little voice last night to choose to be humble.  It made all the difference in the world.

President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989, 4-7.  (https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&_r=1).

 Gottman, John M., Ph.D, and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York, New York, Harmony Books, 2015).
Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage – Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships (Cedar Hills, Utah, 2009).

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