Fondness and Admiration




In this week’s readings, the principle of "Fondness and Admiration" was stressed as being important, and even key to a marriage.  This really resonated with me.  In Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” this is his Principle #2.  “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. . . .If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.”

As I revealed in my first post, I was married for over 16 years in an LDS temple marriage, which later ended in divorce.  You may now be predicting that fondness and admiration were missing from my marriage, or at least died in some way, never to be revived. You would be wrong.  Our marriage was built on fondness and admiration, and we were eternal friends and companions throughout our marriage.  The reason I know this is a sound principle is because that eternal friendship not only survived our failed marriage, it still exists today.  I saw my ex just a few days ago at a family gathering.  It’s been several years since we last met.  We spent over an hour on our daughter’s sectional in a private conversation filled with memories and jokes, catching up on current events.  There was nothing romantic in our interaction, but we were getting looks from other family members and friends that reminded me of when we were first dating and everyone was just tolerating our exclusiveness.  If either of us was currently in a relationship, our conversation would include the other person, as it has from time to time in the last 30 years since our divorce.

So where is this going?  It might seem a little off topic.  Is my relationship with my ex-husband an anomaly?  What does it mean?  What happened to our marriage if we still so highly regard each other?  Remember, Principle #2 is only one of seven principles.  And I haven’t read the entire book yet.  I’m sure we’ll get to a principle regarding trust and loyalty, which instantly comes to my mind.  But since this topic is on fondness and admiration, I just have to agree with Gottman that those are crucial to a marriage, even if not enough to stand alone.  In any marriage, keeping fondness and admiration alive is enhanced with romance and intimacy, for one thing, which of course are no longer a part of my friendship with my ex-husband.  Add to that other important principles that will come later in Gottman’s book.  Just the same, fondness and admiration are eternal principles, that if nurtured or even just remembered, will live forever. I treasure that part of our relationship that survives our failed marriage.  It's one success we can be proud of.

Photo:  http://midliferocksblog.com/2015/08/31/dr-john-gottmans-seven-principles-for-happy-marriage/

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York, New York, Harmony Books, 2015).

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Definition of Marriage

Image
   vs.     This week we are examining the Supreme Court ruling on marriage, which is officially called Obergefell v. Hodges.  Notice I called it the Supreme Court ruling on marriage and not the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.  The ruling affected all marriage, not just legalizing new forms of marriage.  But before I go there, I want to back up and try to explore my own feelings on the subject. My first awareness of gay relationships was in middle school.  There were rumors that my very favorite teacher was gay.  He wasn’t openly gay, and nobody really knew for sure.  A couple of years later in high school, it seemed to be a well-known, but only whispered, fact, that my school counselor and my P.E. teacher were lifelong companions.  I had no conflicts or confusion over these discoveries.  Life was full of experiences outside of what I was taught to be right.  And although I knew that these relationships weren’t ...
Read more

Families are Forever

Image
This week in our class we explored some demographics in our own extended families by working with what is called a genogram.   It’s like a genealogy pedigree chart, but gives you the opportunity to track different aspects of each couple and their family members.   I decided to track temple (eternal) marriages, civil marriages (until death do us part), and other cohabiting partnerships.   I also noted things like alcoholism and abuse.   But for this post I want to just look at the marriage demographic. First of all, the results were a little surprising to me.   Divorces (or breakups) were almost equally spread among all the types of marriages and domestic arrangements. There were fewer divorces in the larger families, who also happened to be farmers and country dwellers.   There were more divorces in the smaller families, who also happened to be city dwellers. There were fewer divorces in the temple covenant marriages.  Successful cohab...
Read more

We Choose Anger - A Liberating Concept

Image
I’ve heard it before, but it’s easy to forget.   Anger is a choice.   While it seems that sometimes anger chooses us, it’s our choice of how we react to it. If you’re like me, you almost feel obligated to react in anger over some things.   In other words, you feel justified.   Some things are so inappropriate that it wouldn’t seem right not to react in anger.   Sometimes we call it righteous indignation.   I guess there can be a fine difference.   But even calling it by a different name, if we react to ones we love in a way that attacks them or even their behavior, it’s not a loving approach and does not built up, but instead tears down our relationship and the person. At the worst, we have damaged a relationship, possibly permanently.   At best, we’ve chosen to bypass an opportunity to show love, even while correcting or challenging someone’s behavior. As I started to read an article by Elder Lynn G. Robbins about having the power to c...
Read more