Emotional Infidelity


The subject this week was about sexual intimacy in marriage.  I found the subject very interesting even though I’ve been single for over 25 years.  But what impressed me the most was a related topic that was covered about unfaithfulness.  Having been a victim of this, I was immediately drawn in.  What interested me most, was the idea of emotional infidelity.  Emotional infidelity often leads to sexual infidelity, but can be more damaging to a marriage than a sexual affair even when it doesn’t get physical.  

 In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he lists a Progression of Unfaithfulness:

  • ·         Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
  • ·         An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
  • ·         Extramarital flirting.  Justification – “no harm intended”
  • ·         Relationship declared as “special”
  • ·         Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)
  • ·         Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
  • ·         Spouse is displaced.  Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
  • ·         Faultfinding with spouse
  • ·         Fantasies about other person
  • ·         Physical affection – a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
  • ·         Sexual relations
There is a reason wise couples have a strict rule of no lunches alone and no private meetings in the workplace.  That would fall under the first step of “Behaviors that seem innocent.”  Then follows the slippery slope.  By step two, where the heart becomes involved, it can already be too late to apply the brakes.

Again, the idea that struck me as the saddest was not a typical affair that runs its course from emotional to physical, but a long-term emotional affair that might never become physical, but that robs the family of those things dearest, things like trust, loyalty, integrity, faithfulness, time, money, attention, interest, love, just to name those that instantly come to mind.

I had a cousin who became involved in this kind of relationship.  She reasoned that her special friendship was innocent.  They did nothing that would keep either of them from holding a temple recommend.  She told me they even spent lunch hours reading scriptures together.  I had to agree that all the things they did together weren’t crimes, or even immoral.  And some of them were even praiseworthy acts.  But I asked her if she did those things with her husband?  Did her friend take time away from her family?  Did she ever spend money on him? Were both spouses completely aware of how they spent their time together – how much and what they did?  I told her that if my husband spent time reading scriptures with someone besides me I would be hurt and feel betrayed. 

I don’t know the end to that story.  From the outside, everything looks fine and normal.  I don’t think a person can be happy for long splitting themselves in two parts.  You can’t be your best self for two people at once.  It seems to me that sooner or later a choice will have to be made.  At the start, the choice is clear.  After months or years, not so much.  Whatever that choice is, there is sure to be serious casualties and heartaches. Better to make and keep strict rules of emotional as well as physical fidelity from the start.

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York, New York, Harmony Books, 2015).

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