Keeping Marriage Secret and Sacred



The subject this week was on unity in marriage and becoming one.  Much good advice was given about counseling together as husband and wife and presenting a united front to children.  Other advice was about how to counsel together and the equality of husband wife.  One principle in particular stood out to me, and that is best described in this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball:
“. . .all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others. . . Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decision, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”  
And also from President Kimball:
“Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life. 
What impressed me the most about these two quotes was the admonition for secrecy, privacy, and discretion from others.  President Kimball’s remarks were especially directed to cutting the apron strings from well-meaning parents.  But I think today there is a great need to practice this principle with friends and confidants.  My parents raised me to cleave unto my husband and none else, including them.  When problems arose in my marriage, my husband and I kept it between ourselves and didn’t run to parents, and never confided in friends.  I see today couples having outside supportive friendships.  I’m not talking about an inappropriate friendship with a member of the opposite sex.  I’m talking about a trusted “BFF” to share deepest feelings and problems with.  I don’t think this is any more healthy to a relationship today than it was when President Kimball offered his advice.  Problems and difficulties should be kept within the marriage relationship.  If things get to the point where outside help is needed, then ecclesiastical leaders and professional counselors should be sought, who will honor and respect the confidentiality of the situation.

The reason this (new to me) trend has become apparent to me is that I’ve had people confide in me their problems and issues, as well as who else they have shared information with.  For instance, recently one wife said something like, “I know it goes without saying to keep this in confidence.  I’ve only told one other person at work, and she doesn’t know anyone in my social group.”  I am always astounded at this, but it’s happened enough that I recognize a modern trend.  Maybe it goes along with trends for boys' nights out and girls' nights out.  When I was married, there was no one I would rather spend my free time with than my husband, and he with me.  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to have other social opportunities away from your spouse, I’m just trying to understand how people have developed friendships that sometimes seem closer than the friendship between spouses, and how it has seemed to become acceptable to share marriage details that used to be considered private.

I would like to advocate for getting back to privacy in marriage relationships.  It’s part of the sacred nature of marriage.  When it comes to marriage, as President Kimball says, “Live your own lives.”

Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, Oneness in Marriage, pp. 4-5,
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 President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17,  https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/spencer-w-kimball_marriage-divorce/

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