Divorce

I just started a new class this semester on Marriage.  Our first topic is Divorce.  Starting out studying divorce is like jumping into the deep end of this class.  I have been divorced twice, once after 16 years of an LDS temple marriage, and then after a second marriage that lasted a very short time.  
It was interesting to compare the findings of the State of the Union Report on Marriage, as well as other secular experts, to the advice of our LDS Church leaders.  For the most part, they bear each other out.  What is missing from the secular reports is the spiritual perspective. I couldn't have survived divorce without the spiritual perspective and support from my church and ecclesiastical leaders.  Even with basically having no choice in the decision (you can't force someone to stay in a marriage they are determined to leave), it was the most painful period of my life, and continues to bring emotional distress at times as new consequences are revealed in my children and grandchildren.
I really appreciated Elder Oaks' of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints insights and comments in his talk titled, "Divorce," in the Ensign magazine.  He first acknowledged that divorce is desirable in some cases and unavoidable in others. I felt for those he told about that are stuck in a limbo with no resolution to move forward because they live in countries that do not recognize divorce.  Wow, my situation could actually be a lot worse.  I feel thankful. At least I am free.
I agree with Elder Oaks that just about any marriage can be saved and eventually even thrive if two people are willing to work at it.  The problem for some is that one partner is only looking for a way out, not a way through. With two sincerely working together to save and improve a marriage, you're almost guaranteed success.
I have had opportunities to answer questions and give insight to those who have asked me about divorce.  What I would like to tell them, including my own children, is that the answer is very simple.  Do everything you can to avoid it.  It carries a cost nobody should be willing to incur.  My father told me at the start of the process that couples who thought life would be better after divorce were only kidding themselves.  He was right.  I would gladly go back and fight the battle to reconcile.  Having said that, some, including me, never had that choice.  In that case, it's comforting to hear from Elder Oaks that for some, divorce is the path they have to take.  Knowing that takes away all the guilt and regret over something that couldn't be helped.  Still, it is one of those trials of life that affects everyone involved.  Each act has a consequence in this life, and sometimes those consequences hurt the innocent as well as the guilty. I believe that God compensates in other ways the innocent victims.  He also continues to help and support the offending ones in any efforts they make to change their lives and move forward.  
I'm a little uncomfortable talking about a topic that hits so close to home, but hopefully I've been able to share without being too personal.  My last piece of advice is to think, and think again before making the decision to divorce.  If you have any control over what happens, chose to fight to save your marriage.  I can also add, if you have no control over that decision, do what you have to do and move forward without guilt or regret.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007.  https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng
Picture in Public Domain

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