What Difference Does Charity Make?

One of our reading assignments this week was the final chapter in Goddard’s Book, Drawing Heaven Into Your marriage.  It is titled simply, Charity.  I have to admit, my eyes began to roll back into my head. I have read and studied so much on this topic from all different angles. Before I started to feel guilty for my attitude, I dove in and began to read.  I can honestly say I have gained a new and enlightened perspective on the subject of charity. 

Goddard gives a great description of what charity is, and is not.  He uses an example straight from the scriptures of how to see others as Christ sees them.  He explains what charity looks like in real life. And finally he tells us how we get it.  I wish every human being could read this short chapter on charity.  It would change lives.  In my head I began to think of ways to present this material to my family in a way that they could absorb it without thinking they were getting a lesson or lecture.

Then I came to his subsection:  What difference does charity make in marriage? Goddard says, “I am learning little by little to see as the Lord sees.  I am learning to follow President Joseph F. Smith’s counsel:”

"We all have our weaknesses and failings.  Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it.  Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him.  What good does it do?  Is not forgiveness better?  Is not charity better?  Is not love better?  Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them?  Isn’t that better?  And will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another?  Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them—bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?"

Goddard explains how, when we’re shown charity, it softens us and brings out the best in us.  He quotes Joseph Smith in saying, 

“Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness.  When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.” 

That is so true.  I recognize in myself an instant tendency to lash out in defensiveness and counter attacks when I’m accused or criticized.  

While my parents didn’t have anything close to a perfect marriage, they did have a successful one.  I remember my mother telling me how to approach my dad when I had a need, like a new pair of shoes.  She would tell me when he came home to wait until he settled in, had a good dinner and was relaxed.  Then I could make my case with the greatest chance for success.  When I grew up and married myself, I sort of saw her tactics as manipulative and a little underhanded.  Maybe that was because I had used them selfishly when I wanted something for myself.  In reality I realize that my mother was a great example of practicing charity, even when the other person least deserved it.  She always considered my father’s needs before her own, and she always gave him the benefit of the doubt when he behaved badly.  She rarely criticized him, and when she did, it was usually an issue of worry over the safety of one of her children or grandchildren (riding in the back of the truck, for instance). It became obvious to me that she brought out the best in my father, and he credited her many times with making him a better man than he ever could be without her.

I’m thankful for my mother’s great example, a model to pattern my own actions and attitudes after.  She discovered power in charity.  Gottman describes this power: 

“It appears that charity and virtue are the keys to accessing heaven’s power.” 

And he quotes from Doctrine and Covenants 121: 

“Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly, then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God. . . The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion. . .”

I plan on seeking after charity as I never have before.  It is the key to all success and happiness, not to mention eternal life.

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage – Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships (Cedar Hills, Utah, 2009).

Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith, Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [1998], 180-181.