We Choose Anger - A Liberating Concept



I’ve heard it before, but it’s easy to forget.  Anger is a choice.  While it seems that sometimes anger chooses us, it’s our choice of how we react to it. If you’re like me, you almost feel obligated to react in anger over some things.  In other words, you feel justified.  Some things are so inappropriate that it wouldn’t seem right not to react in anger.  Sometimes we call it righteous indignation.  I guess there can be a fine difference.  But even calling it by a different name, if we react to ones we love in a way that attacks them or even their behavior, it’s not a loving approach and does not built up, but instead tears down our relationship and the person. At the worst, we have damaged a relationship, possibly permanently.  At best, we’ve chosen to bypass an opportunity to show love, even while correcting or challenging someone’s behavior.

As I started to read an article by Elder Lynn G. Robbins about having the power to choose whether to be angry or not, my first reaction was, “But sometimes you just can’t help it.”  His remarks go on to prove that concept wrong.  I found myself eagerly accepting his thoughts (well documented with scripture, by the way) because I realized that it felt wonderful to believe that I do have a choice.  I can help it. It’s liberating and empowering to know that. Why would I ever fall into the trap of becoming a slave to anger?  

 Elder Robbins explains how it’s Satan’s plan to wage war on families by stirring them up to anger, and then presents the scriptural citations that clearly back up that thought. He points out that we feel that we’re victims to anger, justifying our angry reactions.  We feel like we can’t help it.  Maybe we even pride ourselves on quickly repenting and apologizing.  That is good, but controlling it in the first place is better.  He proves that we can control our anger in the first place by pointing out how an argument might be interrupted by a phone call from our boss (or bishop?), which we are able to answer politely and treat with respect, and then go right back to the argument.

Goddard applies this concept to husband/wife relationships.  He talks about consecration to a spouse, and that consecration means basically sacrificing a lot for each other, including faultfinding and reacting with anger.  He quotes Elder Neal Maxwell, 
“Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory.  It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride.”  
I can’t think of a better synonym for anger than pride.  This quote describes perfectly my feeling of liberation when I read Elder Robbins’ article. Goddard builds his case for consecration in marriage, which is a topic all by itself, but it encompasses this concept of power over anger and how we treat our partners and children. Consecration and self-control are foundational concepts to successful family life.

Gottman’s principles this week incorporate the same concepts by recommending that we determine which problems are solvable and then solve those problems by replacing a tendency to being harsh (accusatory, blaming, etc.) with being soft.  In other words, controlling anger – again suggesting that anger is something that we have control over. 

Obviously, breaking bad habits takes great effort.  It’s easy to fall back.  I realize that it’s my natural inclination to react to some situations with anger and feel justified, almost obligated, to do so.  I also know that Elder Robbins’ comments liberated me from those misguided reactions.  If this is the only concept that sticks from this lesson, or even from this entire class, it will be the one best thing I can retain.

Robbins, Lynn G., “Agency and Anger,” 1992 LDS General Conference Address, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York, New York, Harmony Books, 2015).
Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage – Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships (Cedar Hills, Utah, 2009).


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