In-Laws, Ya Gotta Love ‘Em



When I got married 49 years ago, I was given very little advice about how to deal with in-laws.  What I do remember, though, is that we just kind of naturally knew how it worked.  As I read this week’s lesson material, not much has changed.  What we knew then by example or common sense, is now spelled out.  I’m glad to see this.  I think less is assumed today, and having a written manual would be very helpful for newly engaged or married couples.

When my husband and I became engaged, we knew we would need to come up with a plan to share holidays between both parents. The first year was easy because Christmas Eve was more important to my parents than Christmas Day, and Christmas Day was more important to his parents.  Both families equally valued Thanksgiving, but his family also had a tradition of a relaxing buffet of leftovers and extra goodies the day after Thanksgiving. We got the best of both worlds.

He loved and respected my parents and they loved him.  The same with his parents.  There was plenty of love to go around.  We did have one early incident where one parent tried to give us advice about birth control.  We decided what we wanted as a couple, and kindly told the well-meaning intruder the decision had been made and it was no longer something to be concerned about.  I don’t remember ever having any other occasions to ask someone to back off.

I realize we were very lucky.  But I think if couples develop a few basic ground rules, they will be able to stand on firm ground when deciding if an in-law is crossing the line.  If they do cross the line, they can explain those ground rules to them so they can govern themselves accordingly.  Here are some of the tips I have come up with from my own personal experience that are also supported with our class material:

  • ·         Present a united front when determining what those ground rules are, and stick to them.
  • ·         When necessary, explain those limits to in-laws, kindly and sensitively.  “I know you have our best interest at heart, but we feel that the number of children we have is between us and the Lord.” It’s best if you can have this discussion together, not you take care of your parents and he takes care of his.
  • ·         Remember that the goal is to stay close to parents, but create a new marital identity as a couple that becomes more important than any other relationship.
  • ·         Draw from both families those customs and traditions you both agree you want to instill in your own family.
  • ·         Drop those customs and traditions you both agree you don’t want to instill in your own family.
  • ·         Create some new traditions.
  • ·         Together occasionally ask for advice from either set of parents, with the understanding you are looking for ideas and answers and will consider how and when to use that advice, but showing your appreciation for having them as a resource.
This list isn’t all inclusive, and I realize it isn’t as easy as it looks.  Relationships can be complicated.  Personalities can be difficult. One of my in-laws was a world-renowned scientist and could be intimidating.  But he was respectful of our decisions, even if he proved to be right.  He allowed us to make our own mistakes.  And occasionally we were right, and he admitted it.  Respect is the key word. I loved him and I know he loved me.  He died about five years into our marriage, and I miss him and his wisdom to this day.  With a united front, respect, and humility, plus showing appreciation for what in-laws have to offer, everyone should be able to feel at ease and start creating lasting loving relationships.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

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